Punch Drunk Vomit

In the city of Chicago bars are the preferred outlet for socialization.  This is great, if you are a heavy drinker as years of having a problem with booze can go by nearly undetected.  Even police have been known to look the other way when people drive drunk here.  The problem comes in when you don't drink, are relatively young, and still want to be social.  This city, is a city of drinkers.  Bars, are far less tolerable when sober, people are far more annoying when you are not drinking, and they are progressively lubing up.  

Saturday night, and I decided I had to be social, preferably I would have sat at home and watched Celebrity Ghost Stories, but sometimes you have to interact with other members of your species, as social animals, that is necessary for the overall wellness of the condition.

Mike, A big Irish guy, who resembles in some odd way, A cousin of a mafia hit man. Met me at a small dive bar in Lincoln Park.  He was already half in the bag from day drinking at the White Sox game, his first words were.

"Hey, want to do a shot?"
"No, I'm on the wagon remember?" I replied, somewhat annoyed.
"oh...you mind if I do one?"
"Of course not"
Now this is another annoying factor of choosing to abstain from alcohol, and I encounter this mostly when on dates with women.  They feel insecure about drinking, or ordering a drink if I am not going to drink with them, so in my weaker moments I will drink with them, in my shadier moments, I will fake drink so they leave me alone.  I'll order a tonic water with a lime in a rocks glass, and keep in the straw.  This usually is enough to allow them to leave me alone.

Mike walked over to the bar, did a shot of Jameson and rejoined me with a beer in his hand.  His face turned pale and he hiccuped.  I could tell he was fighting off vomiting.  He got up, ran to the bathroom.  I sat and watched, he was vomiting for sure.

Five mintues later, like a flash, he sprinted out of the bar.  I stood for a moment at the table confused.  Then about three minutes later, a large neanderthal of a guy, staggers out of the bathroom, with a bloody nose, pants half on and vomit on his shirt.

I left the bar and called Mike
"What the hell happend?" I asked
Mike, out of breath and panting said "dude, I couldnt hold back the vomit, and people were standing in the urinal, so I kicked open the stall and puked, some guy was in there taking a shit.  I puked all over him.  We made eye contact for a minute, and my fight or flight kicked in, and I punched him in the face and ran out of  there"

So the neanderthal in the bathroom, not only did he have to use the filthy toilet in the bar, but then he got vomited on and punched in the face.  That would be enough to keep me out of bars for a long time.

kissed my best friends girl (The Ottoman)

Hector and Sonny sit next to each other at a dusty tex mex style saloon both with bottles of Sol in front of them. They are silent for a beat, staring straight ahead into nothing with blank expressions.

Sonny

When I was a young man growing up in Juarez, I knew that when I came to America, I would know I had made it when I could purchase an ottoman

Hector

an ottoman?

Sonny

somewhere to put my feet up when I came home after a hard days work.

Hector

ah, si, an ottoman

Sonny

yes, it's now my most prized possession next to my wife Dierdre

Hector

si, Dierdre

(Hector shifts nervously in his seat)

Sonny

I need to tell you a story Hector, as you were best man at my wedding, and Godfather to my Donkey William.

Hector

si, what is it Sonny?

(Sonny pauses for a beat and takes a swig of his beer)

Sonny

I killed a man last night

Hector

what?

Sonny

yes, killed him dead, hes in my freezer in pieces, I've been disposing of him all day in plastic bags.

Hector

why did you? What did he?

Sonny

as I said, my two prize possessions are my ottomon and my wife.

hector

yes...

Sonny

I came home from work yesterday, still in my suit and tie

hector

si

Sonny

I hadn't even got in the door when I heard a man in my home.

Hector

In your casa?

Sonny

si

Hector

what was he there for?

(Sonny pauses and takes a big swig from his beer)

Sonny

Hey bartender!

(A bartender approaches)

bartender

yes?

Sonny

tequila

(The bartender pours a shot of tequila, Sonny downs it and slams the glass on the bar, Hector is beginning to sweat, becomes visibly agitated.

Sonny

You are my best friend right Hector?

Hector

Of course Sonny, you know that.

Sonny

would you lie to me Hector?

Hector

No! umm, never, no way!

Sonny

well this man, he was sitting on my chair, in my robe, with his feet! His feet! On my ottomon!

(Sonny shakes his fist in the air, and slams it on the bar, his rage building)

Hector

on your ottomon?!

Sonny

my ottomon, and Dierdre was sitting on his lap! Kissing him!

Hector

My God! That Bendeho!

Sonny

So I strangled him with my clip on tie, the man...

Hector

you...you killed him?

Sonny

yes, and before he died, in his last breath he begged to me for his life, told me he would tell me a secret.

Hector

ummm, ah, what did he, what was the secret?
(Hector wipes sweat from his brow)

Sonny

he told me, that he had met Diedre through you, that you had been kissing her for a long time, behind my back and had told him she would kiss him as well!

(Sonny Slams down his beer on the bar in a rage and stands up over Hector, Hector is frozen with fear)

Hector

(terrified)

yes, Sonny, it's true, I have been kissing her for three years now, but I swear that is all! Just kissing twice a week! Mondays and Wednedays, she has O.C.D as you know and only likes to kiss me on those days!

Sonny

( Holds his rage at a level ten, then totally changes demeanor into confusion, then surprise, then curiosity)
shit man! You serious? I didn't kill anyone, I was just fucking with you,
(Sonny playfully punches Hectors arm)
 you really been kissing Dierdre?

(Hector is frozen with fear and pale, he vomits on the bar

My Valentines Day Ransom Letter

I hadn't been sleeping well, this girl was driving me crazy.  We would go out have a great time and then she wouldn't talk to me for two weeks, a slow, steady torture.  My confidence was shot.  I couldn't get her out of my mind.  Someone suggested to me, I write an old fashioned letter to her explaining my feelings, hand written, in this day and age of technology, things like that are romantic and different, also she could keep it and read it over and over, maybe send a rose with it as well.    Of course, I thought this was a brilliant idea, I'd pour my heart out to her, explaining how I felt, but the only problem was my handwriting looked like a five year olds, it was terrible, I considered writing it in block letters, but that didn't really seem the same, my cursive was illegible, so for some reason, I thought it would be quite clever to write it in ransom format with the letters cut out of magazines.  I figured she would find this clever as she was an artist and would appreciate the creativity.  Now mind you I hadn't been sleeping much and my mind wasn't all there, so I figured I would include a black rose and sign it in my blood.  I worked all night feverishly putting together this ransom note Valentines day letter.  It came out great in my mind, some of the lines in mishapen words included "I will never hurt you" which I found quite ironic being written in ransom type, and also "I don't want you to feel pressure" another great irony in my mind.
       Well, I sent her the letter, and the only reason I know she got it was because she blocked me on her twitter and her facebook. Oh well, live and learn, perhaps another girl would have found it romantic, perhaps Elvira, or Wednesday Adams.  Live and learn.

a Halloween Party in Chicago Gold Coast

I went to this Halloween party last week and it was a very strange time, strange would be a modest way to put it.  The party was a costume party, but not just any costume party, it was a full body costume, head and everything else that could identify a person had to be covered so that no one could tell who was in what costume.  To make it a bit more bizarre for myself, I only knew one person that was going to be at the party and that was an idiot who came in to my bar named Chris. He sent me the evite, I don't know why I decided to go, possibly because he is a good customer at the bar, and I figured this would be a decent way to get out and network.  I haven't been going out much lately, pretty much just work and home, and I have seen a direct correlation between how much I go out and meet people and how much business I have at the bar.

I decided to go as an ape, I rented an ape costume from the costume store for 80 dollars, which I wasn't happy about spending.  The party was in an old mansion in the gold coast, it was a beautiful house, I took a taxi there and showed up at 9 p.m. it was a balmy night for late October with a slight breeze.  This was a bit of a warm front which is very pleasant in Chicago in late October, in a way it almost feels like cheating because it should be colder and this is just a few more days biting into inevitable long and freezing winter.
The house was one of those gothic grey stones, perfect setting for the party, Chris told me that it was a co-workers of his, which for me was a bit suprising, he sold insurance so this means that the co-worker either was a great sales person or had money from somewhere else, as this was at least a four million dollar home by my estimation, even in the down economy.

As I paid the driver $11.83 for the cab, I slid out of the car in my ape suit.  I told myself I wouldn't become one of those idiots on Halloween who acted like a fool because I was in a costume.  I knocked on the giant door, which had an old iron knocker and a person in an Eyes wide shut mask and cape opened the door, and said
"Welcome" I bowed and entered, the house was fantastic, very luxurious, a great crystal chandelier hung over head, actual Picasso sketches on the wall, and a large wooden staircase winding to the second level, and perhaps the most remarkable thing of all was the stained glass ceiling directly overhead.  The person in the "Eyes Wide Shut" costume led me into a large ball room where people were hanging out and talking, everyone dressed in full costume from head to toe, this was pretty intriguing and interesting, as I did not know anyone there, and obviously no one knew who I was, if I was one of their friends or an acquaintance, I found this prospect quite thrilling.
I walked around the party taking it all in, all kinds of costumes, at my best guess about 100 people there, a few of the eyes wide shut costumes, some Kang and Kudos, the aliens from the simpsons, some scream masks, and oddly enough another Ape, this person was wearing the same exact costume that I was, on top of this, when I looked at the ape I felt something like an electrical charge.  I walked over to the Ape, who was staring at me.
"Hello" the ape said to me
"How are you?"
"I am great" the ape replied
"That is good to hear"
"How can I help you?"
"Well" I said "We are wearing the same costume"
"Yes" replied the Ape, almost mechanicly
something was very strange about the person in this ape suit, when talking to him I was feeling a very real energy, also, In that brief interaction, I looked at the clock on the wall and noticed it was now 11:15 pm, I had arrived at around 8:15 pm, so what felt like ten minutes tops had been three hours? I couldn't really comprehend this, I was dead sober, I had been sober for months now,  I was thinking about the time lapse when the ape said to me "Interesting isn't it?"
"What is?" I responded non chalantly.
"The way time is an illusion"
"What do you mean?
"You know what I mean"
"Perhaps I do, I am feeling very strange"
"Yes, it's the energy, the higher connection"
"because we are both apes?"
"No, because we are both real, and no one else here is"
at that point, i stopped cold, I couldnt speak
"Wha....what do you mean by that? that we are real and no one else is?" I was sweating as I said those words
"Look around, everyone here is just a costume, you think they are real, they think they are real, but nothing is under the costumes, only they don't know it, part of this illusion is they have to think they are real"
I was floored and couldn't speak, was this guy putting me on? what a strange thing to say.
"I have to go for now" I walked away, and felt dizzy, who was that guy? something felt very strange about this entire experience.  I had to find out, what did he mean that the people were not real? they were just costumes?
I had to find out what he meant, I franticly ran into the bathroom, something I had eaten earlier wasn't sitting right, I vomited in my costume, I pulled myself together while looking in the mirror, I had temporarily forgot that I was in the ape suit, so when I saw my reflection I stopped cold. Behind me was a costume of a shadow person, it was just a black cape and a mask with no face.  I grabbed him and said "You are real arent you?" he pulled away and said "Of course I am, wow, are you on acid or something?" he then laughed and walked away.

I looked back at the mirror in the bathroom and saw my reflection. I laughed a bit to myself, then walked back outside.  I looked over and saw the Ape sitting on a chair, not moving, staring at me, I ignored him and walked back into the party.  A stunning blonde dressed as Britney spears was by the bar.  I walked up to her and stood next to her.
"Hello" I offered, "Can I pour you a drink"
"sure"
"Thanks"
"These parties are so boring, Jim has one every year, always the same people just in slightly different costumes, some of them even wear the same ones"
"Really? this is my first year here"
"Oh, wow, you are new here?" she turned to face me, and smiled slightly.
"Well, yes, I suppose so"
"Well, umm....."
I noticed then that her face was made out of plastic, she was also in a costume...I got a bit nervous and walked away.
I stepped backwards and walked into the ape, as I was reversing.
"pretty girl"
"Ummm....yeah"
"Is she?"
"Yes, I think so"
"What is pretty about her?"
"She is a hot blonde, what else can I say"
"If you like that fake, plastic type. You will find that  you are no longer interested in that type soon, what is on the outside is incidental, if its just a shell, what do you think she looks like under that costume?"
"Listen man, I don't know who you are, or why you are talking to me, but you are a freak"
"Whatever you say Horace"
"How do you....how did you know my name?"
"I know everything"
I started feeling very dizzy and kind of freaking out, I had to know who was in these costumes, so I ran up to person wearing a George Bush mask, i ripped off the mask, and that is when I saw nothing under the mask, the ape was right, these were nothing more than costumes, no one here was real.

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